Enlightenment
by
Apurva Sanjay Malewar
Its been a constant and a continuous struggle to live by each day, without letting my emotions control me, just keeping myself busy with what I am doing, which is working hard, so hard, I have never worked this hard, I love what I do, but then there is this constant struggle to control myself from breaking down. There is this rush of memories that come by, that flow by, memories that were an adventure, an adventure worth living, and that you realize only after you lose what you thought you had. There is so much energy spent in only controlling our emotions, some of us are more bound by the people around, the external forces that exist, which is why we can’t really do what we want to do. We just have to suck in and swallow all our emotions and live with it, until it has passed.
The only problem in living a life like that is, we can’t get to enjoy the few moments of pleasures that we have. We always want that, what we don’t have, and even if it is really easy to get what we want, there are situations, people and there are forces that can keep us from what we really want to do. It’s not that easy to go out there and get what we want. That means to say we defy those few people who really care for us.
What is it I ask myself that really pains me, I do a self diagnosis to direct my emotions, and to see what really ails my mind, and what really pains my emotion, a sudden overpowering sadness, I always try to run away from, it feels more that emotional pain, a sort of freakish misery, is coming right at me, and if embraced, is more like bad company, that would break me apart, tear me down to nothing. A struggle that I keep running away from at this point and time. So when I diagnosed to see what it is, I asked myself a few questions. Is it love? Is it Pity? What is it? Why is it that I can’t seem to enjoy and embrace those light moments and pleasures in life? Why do I have to keep my mind racing so it does not go wandering around bringing in that emotional pain, which is hit me every time.
I am getting burnt out…. Physically burnt coz of the workouts, work, being on my toes, not letting myself rest even for a bit, for the fear of being eaten alive by misery. Mentally worn out because of constant pace with my mental state, mentally active at work, so much that I fear being idle, come home and get busy with Spanish lessons, anything that would keep my mind racing. Even now, I am writing this because I told myself; I have to keep a record of the state that I am in. Emotionally, totally broken, lost out on a lot of things, and lost out on my own faith, living on a prayer and hope.
So when I look back the result of my diagnosis reveals that I don’t feel sad about people, or Love, not even pity or what I do not have. I feel bad about and really sad about the memories, the times when life was a living adventure, the moments that made life worth living, It made me smile, it gave me hope and it kept me in a state of peace. All of a sudden life totally changed; there was turmoil, chaos, a pandemonium, a whole lot going on. It was not an easy run. I am still running. I also feel bad and very upset about the fact that while I was going through this hard time, and even now when I am trying to come out of it, I fell in love with a place, an actual place, I fell in love with it so much, that being there is what I miss. I knew for a fact that when I saw it first and was there, that place was made for me. But alas, my life has taken a turn, where I can’t even set foot on that soil. That pains me.
So the fact that I am keeping myself busy, burning myself out, is because of these reasons.
Ironically in a way I am happy, in some way, memories that flash by do have an impact on me, but when I look at the future, the beautiful people I am with now, the people around me, makes me happy. My folks who love me, My true friends who never gave up on me, New friends who stood by me, my dads friends moms friends, they are all my family, my Moushi, my brother, my sister everyone…………………………………………….
I realize the fact that Miseries will remain, scares will be hard to heal, I just have to keep doing what I am doing, till a day comes when these things wont matter to me anymore, when misery, emotional pain, sadness will stop chasing me for the mere fact that they wont be able to catch me, but until then, I must be strong, and must keep running, running hard. Faith, hope and Family will keep me going.
This blog is dedicated to all you people who stood by me, and still are standing by my side even now, and who will keep standing by my side, when I am going through some real hard time. God bless you all…...
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